Pathos Destiny

I just want to take a moment to thank procomicdiva for inspiring me to write.  I commend you for being brave and putting it all out there and I want you to know that you are an angel and I love you for it.  Stay blessed!

As I sat and reminisced about my childhood I got frustrated like

always, because it proves a rather difficult thing for me to do.

This mental process took me back to a time where we are sitting

around in our adulthood (my brothers and I) in conversation and

they start telling stories of our childhood and they look to me for

confirmation and my line and they already know it is “damn, where

was I?  I got to thinking that I’ve blocked things out otherwise why

can’t I remember everything my brothers and sisters do? 

Interesting things is that the memories they have recounted are good ones.  So what the hell is going on?  I know a lot of times I

would be bounced around from sister to brother and vice versa.

You see I come from a family of eighteen brothers and sisters.  I

stated in an earlier post seventeen, I apologize there was a sister

that was taken away who I then met when I was 21 for the first

time but that’s another story.  My father had eight from a previous

marriage.  The lady that gave birth to me had four from her

previous marriage, one from an affair and five of us with my dad.

That’s a whole lot of kids! LOL.  So I have sisters’ way older

than me.  They would come over to visit my dad (and they

couldn’t stand my mother they were also very close in age and that

is also another story) anyways so two in particular and a brother

from my mothers side did not like the way she treated me.  They

would always end up upset telling me to pack a few things I was

leaving with them.  She’d be too drunk to argue and my father

knew it so he definitely had no problem letting me go.  My dad is

also another story.  I will say this though I love him so much and he

is very popular in my family.  In his defense a lot of the abuse

happened while he was at work for when he came she couldn’t

touch me but she tried (lol).  He has a huge heart and always made

excuses saying she’s not all there but he offered to take me when

they broke up and I did leave with him.

Get-togethers at my house would turn to parties.  There would be

lots of beers, drugs, and infidelity.  I saw lots of domestic violence,

basically things I had no business seeing as a child.  For instance

one night (my father I believe was in Puerto Rico at the time) I

awoke to find my mother dancing with his friend but he had his

hands under her shirt and on her breast and they were kissing and

all that.  At that moment tears began to build up and I felt a

tremendous fire consume me.  Then she caught my eye all that she

could do (because it didn’t occur to this genius to pull me to side

and speak to me like the child I was) instead she starts to yell and

call me stupid and a nosey kid.  Mind you I fell asleep in the sofa

because I had no room and that’s where I slept.  I know she saw

and felt the hatred I was emitting at that moment.  I disappeared

for I knew what was in store for me.  The next day of course it’s

hell because the queen is now hung over and you can’t look at her

twice.  That day it really didn’t matter if I did something bad or

not I was going to get it.  For the most part she never let me see it

coming, she’d start by sending me to clean this and clean that.  She

knew that I was going to look at her the way I always did and

(clap!) there was the smack awaiting my face.  At times I could

later see her prints on my face and that shit burned.  Now I’m

upset and screaming (this was said in spanish but I will leave it in

english) “why don’t you just give me away you don’t love me”. 

She would reply “oh I don’t love you I’m a show you I don’t love

you”.  She’ll grab my hair as close to the scalp as she could and

would grip and shake my head and I tell you as I type this I am

pissed off for I can feel the lumps she left on my head and I sit here

with tears in my f**king eyes!) I need a break.  To be continued…