Inside

there is this place

where I feel safe

where past and future can be traced

here where no one can see

to hide from those deemed unsafe

inside I go to this place

this place inside of me

Pathos Destiny Pt. 3

Well we know the woman that gave birth to me abused me physically, but honestly the worst part was the mental and emotionally abuse.  Physical abuse just made me strong physically I can take pain I will tell you that.  I am 33 years old today and honestly I am still trying to peel away the stigma that lingers.  At 12 I noticed I felt ashamed of my body.  She said things like my being skinny like Olive Oil, chicken legs, ugly, etc. (you get it).  However I think the thing that hurt me the most was having been molested for quite some time by a daughter of her friend that came over.  I would get cornered in the bathroom you name it.  Thing is when I finally spoke up (only because I saw the girl going to the basement we my little sister and niece) so I became really upset again and told what had happened to me.  Well she didn't believe me, to me that was the icing on the cake.  From that point forward I hated my mom I really did.  How could you allow them to still come over? 

It got to the point where I was bullied in school up until the 3rd grade.  One day though my mom manhandled me a bit before going to school, and then in school that day I got picked on.  That was it for me.  I lost my mind and literally beat this girl so bad her mom came to my mother to complain she came directly to our house extremely upset.  Needless to say from that moment on you could not look at me wrong for I was quick to get up and hit you.  I pretty much was quiet and very shy but you could not tease or put your hands on me.  She started cutting my nails really short for I was scratching everyone who'd mess with me boys included.  A day like today I don't let them grow barely even paint them (lol).  I never got suspended for I was in the honor roll despite what was going on at home.  I never told anyone.  Actually school and books were my escape.  If she broke night drinking the night before my little brothers would use that as an excuse to not go to class.  Me? I was out of there before you could blink your eyes, I knew better. 

I never put my hands on my birth mother but I became very rebelious and started talking back and leaving although upon me arriving I'd get hit for it.  By this point it didn't matter I ate those.  Then she started talking about me in the neighborhood telling her drinking buddies not to let their daughters hang with me I was a bad influence.  She defamed my character and I was so hurt.  I was still a virgin and she was out making it like I was the slut of the block, meanwhile I had not even had a kiss yet.  Well yeah when I was nine and it was so yucky, I had to rinse my mouth afterwards, mind you it was one of her friends.  

OK so I start hanging out drinking and smoking weed.  As I got older I did ecstasy, shrooms and even coke.  I'm not proud of what I did but I will tell you this if I didn't have these two boys to make me reflect I would have been lost forever because I had no love for me.  I felt certain people in my life validated me and I had to go through so much to wake the hell up.  Thanks to books like Conversations with God, The Secret and countless others and always my desire to learn I am a much happier and better individual.  Through these authors I learned to take control of my situation and not play victim anymore. 

I am stronger and wiser and more loving today.  I don't hardly drink unless it's social but I will admit I still smoke weed.  I hope I'm not judged too harshly but if I am oh well everyone is entitled to their opinion.  So I am done sharing this abuse in this manner.  I will revert back to poems for my other memories.  Thank you so much for being an "ear" (lol) or shoud I say "eye?".  I must say it does feel good to get it out there.  I know one thing she may not love me but a lot of other people do.  I am good with that.  I even researched my real name which is "Leida" and to my surprise it means "loved by the people".  I do have something to say to her eventhough she will never read this post: 

Mommie Dearest thank you for giving me life.  Thank you for the experience and you are forgiven because I am no one to judge you.  I am aware you are a gray or dark soul just playing your part here in this dark planet for when we return to the one I would get to see you for what you really are, "light".   :)

Pathos Destiny Pt.2

Okay so she hit me constantly.  I couldn’t even spill something without feeling her left hand backslapping me across the face.  I was clumsy so I got hit a lot.  You know each slap I can remember made me feel like a piece of shit.  I felt worthless and I acted upon that drama hence becoming very dramatic myself.  I would get hit so much that I would continue to hit myself after she was done.  I would scratch my face and slap myself over and over again and she would laugh and call me crazy.  Her favorite place to punish me was the damn kitchen, and I had to stay there until daddy came home from work (ironic I went from hating the kitchen to being very good in it, as per my boys ;).  It’s funny really when he came in through that door he came straight to the kitchen and I would run to him and he would cradle me in his arms.  She would come out flipping and he would be like won’t you leave her alone she is just a child.  Ah! You are crazy he would say.  He would then tell me he loved me and I was his little indian girl and he nicknamed me Jaja.  So my family members called me Jaji the indian girl.  I grew so fond of that name but Jaji is now dead, her (the woman that gave birth to me) dark soul killed her.  If I can compare this lady to someone it would be the character Faye Dunaway played as Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest” except she wasn’t so clean and organized she is the opposite. 

The alcoholism was not the reason for her mental, physical and emotional abuse.  She no longer drinks and is a church goer, and I’m sorry but I have told her in past arguments that if there is a hell she was going to it in an express train for being such a hypocrite and judgmental of others (she had something to say about everyone even the pastor.  I am not saying I was right for my words however at the moment it was all I could say as I really just wanted to choke her.  Until this day she still preaches the word of god, praises his name yet turns around and talks about her brothers in Christ and everyone who she may not approve of.  You shouldn’t throw stones when your house is made of glass.

I grew up in a home of twelve.  Money was tight there were times when we only had white rice and ketchup, but when you hungry it’s the same as steak (lol).  My father, the greatest man in the world did the best he could with the little he had.  She on the other side was wicked, and if she saw I liked something she took it away.  I remember one Christmas my aunt got me my first Barbie doll; my sister had multiple Barbie dolls so then why? Tell me why?  What was so serious that I did that she felt the need to take it from me and give it to my little sister who had numerous and the exact same one I had.  What the hell?  Ok.  So I move on I get over it!  In the end getting over things became easy I became a pro.  Out of the five of us there she spoiled two, mistreated two, and the last which was twins with the other one that joined me in the abuse was in the middle.  He wasn’t always treated nice and he wasn’t always treated badly.  Yeah! A true whack job what else can I call her?      

Oh! I remember a good one.  Tell me why this sick individual finds out I got my period I’m scared as it is so I tell my sister and my brothers wife who I confided in.  My sister is mentally incapacitated but I didn’t understand when I was younger so you know I confided in her, well she told mommie dearest.  Ok so after my sister-in-law is done with me explaining to me the change and cleanliness, and here comes this nut job, storms in and grabs my arm and drags me to the bathroom.  Her words exactly but in english:  Don’t think you are grown yet.  This doesn’t mean you can have sex and be a little slut.  Okay! Shit! W.T.F? What just happened?  She storms out slams the door and I’m left there confused as hell and so damn empty.  I close the door look at myself in the mirror and I told myself “I hate you”. To be continued…  

Pathos Destiny

I just want to take a moment to thank procomicdiva for inspiring me to write.  I commend you for being brave and putting it all out there and I want you to know that you are an angel and I love you for it.  Stay blessed!

As I sat and reminisced about my childhood I got frustrated like

always, because it proves a rather difficult thing for me to do.

This mental process took me back to a time where we are sitting

around in our adulthood (my brothers and I) in conversation and

they start telling stories of our childhood and they look to me for

confirmation and my line and they already know it is “damn, where

was I?  I got to thinking that I’ve blocked things out otherwise why

can’t I remember everything my brothers and sisters do? 

Interesting things is that the memories they have recounted are good ones.  So what the hell is going on?  I know a lot of times I

would be bounced around from sister to brother and vice versa.

You see I come from a family of eighteen brothers and sisters.  I

stated in an earlier post seventeen, I apologize there was a sister

that was taken away who I then met when I was 21 for the first

time but that’s another story.  My father had eight from a previous

marriage.  The lady that gave birth to me had four from her

previous marriage, one from an affair and five of us with my dad.

That’s a whole lot of kids! LOL.  So I have sisters’ way older

than me.  They would come over to visit my dad (and they

couldn’t stand my mother they were also very close in age and that

is also another story) anyways so two in particular and a brother

from my mothers side did not like the way she treated me.  They

would always end up upset telling me to pack a few things I was

leaving with them.  She’d be too drunk to argue and my father

knew it so he definitely had no problem letting me go.  My dad is

also another story.  I will say this though I love him so much and he

is very popular in my family.  In his defense a lot of the abuse

happened while he was at work for when he came she couldn’t

touch me but she tried (lol).  He has a huge heart and always made

excuses saying she’s not all there but he offered to take me when

they broke up and I did leave with him.

Get-togethers at my house would turn to parties.  There would be

lots of beers, drugs, and infidelity.  I saw lots of domestic violence,

basically things I had no business seeing as a child.  For instance

one night (my father I believe was in Puerto Rico at the time) I

awoke to find my mother dancing with his friend but he had his

hands under her shirt and on her breast and they were kissing and

all that.  At that moment tears began to build up and I felt a

tremendous fire consume me.  Then she caught my eye all that she

could do (because it didn’t occur to this genius to pull me to side

and speak to me like the child I was) instead she starts to yell and

call me stupid and a nosey kid.  Mind you I fell asleep in the sofa

because I had no room and that’s where I slept.  I know she saw

and felt the hatred I was emitting at that moment.  I disappeared

for I knew what was in store for me.  The next day of course it’s

hell because the queen is now hung over and you can’t look at her

twice.  That day it really didn’t matter if I did something bad or

not I was going to get it.  For the most part she never let me see it

coming, she’d start by sending me to clean this and clean that.  She

knew that I was going to look at her the way I always did and

(clap!) there was the smack awaiting my face.  At times I could

later see her prints on my face and that shit burned.  Now I’m

upset and screaming (this was said in spanish but I will leave it in

english) “why don’t you just give me away you don’t love me”. 

She would reply “oh I don’t love you I’m a show you I don’t love

you”.  She’ll grab my hair as close to the scalp as she could and

would grip and shake my head and I tell you as I type this I am

pissed off for I can feel the lumps she left on my head and I sit here

with tears in my f**king eyes!) I need a break.  To be continued…

Blank Canvas

I love this pic looks like I have a ball of light coming out my hand. :)

Paint me beautiful

Paint me bright

For I am a bringer of the light

Paint me merciful

Paint me smart

For I am colorful

Like sprinkles on a tart

Paint me rivers

Paint me clouds

For when I cry I do it outloud

Paint me please...

Don't be a tease

Paint me up as I am in my dreams

Not what I thought

I've traveled a long road to find that

the prince really turns to a toad

your bestfriend was you all along

your family was but a joke

and I'm still traveling this long road

I FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE I LOVE ME...

Jan 25, 2008, 9:40 am edit

I forgive you because I love me...
and if it were me you were upset with
I would want you to forgive me
and whatever I might have done to make you
feel uncomfortable I would want erased
it's easy to say "it meant nothing"
it meant nothing but it hurt a lot
thing is, it was okay for me to do it
then the least I can do is take it
be grown about it
take back the stab as you easily...
stab the back

Marriage is Overated

I say this because too often little girls are raised to want that house with the white picket fence and they long for prince charming (or should I say the ideal man- what?)  Some little girls grow up with that notion so imbedded in their heads, that they ruin relationships in their quest for their fairytale ending.   Manipulations of all kinds are used on their significant other to gain their ultimate goal-marriage. 

Marriage takes the romance out of love.  It’s not that you desire to be with your significant other, but that after marriage it’s an obligation.  Listen!  I wish for my lover, companion, or boyfriend (whatever you want to call it…) to be with me because he so desires not because he has to and vice versa.  Hence, we have the option to get up and leave without the extra aggravation and hassles added to the already difficult process a break-up brings to the table.  Teenagers and young adults plunge into this abyss of euphoria, sex, confusions and difficulties that wait, simply for security and stability.  Seriously guys security from what exactly?

Marriage doesn’t end pain, hurt, or vulnerability.  It doesn’t shield us from cheating, insecurities and jealousy.  Nothing is secure in marriage and if anything it makes things just that more complicated.  Due to some peoples’ illusion marriage should last forever (and that is absurd!).  Seasons change.  People change.  Sometimes in relationships we are just passing through, and with good reason.  Ever looked back on a relationship and realize that things happened for a reason?  I hope you enjoyed my first blog.   Happy mating!!!

One hell of a man

This is the first time I write about being in love or being loved... my inspiration for this was mn.risley so kudos to you girl! this is dedicated to you thanx ;)

Now here is a man

one hell of a man

stamina for days

in my eyes this man is big

I feel safe in his arms

safe when in his company

I trust him with my heart

hand it over whole heartily

I undress him with my eyes

he undresses me always ;)

His lovemaking is so delicious ;p

I can't get enough

I absolutely adore him

I love him today like I did yesterday

if not even more

I love the way he loves me

and all the beautiful things he tells me

Love that he is always touching me

Always looking out for my two boys and myself

This is one hell of man

and I dreamt him up ;)

New Article

Enter Text Here

This lion was no king in my jungle

I met him at a tambor

Immediately I felt his presence; his ardor

Throughout the ceremony in his direction I repeatedly glanced

Making it no secret he’d caught my eye

All around him as he sang people chanted and danced

He spotted me and moved quickly from side to side

He proceeded to reel me in

Watching that I was watching him

He responded with a grin to my grin

The magic had begun

In my head birds sang and bells rung

From that moment on

Inseparable-we became 

Rapture in his love

Ignited in his fire I waned

I almost lost my focus

The purpose of this piece of writing

That “love” was as beautiful as a lotus

But when times got hard he ran

Refused to grow with me

Ran off and grew without me

He came back this lion, to find that

He was no longer a king in my jungle

Finding Me

I am a 32 year old mother of two gorgeous boys ages 14 and 11.  As a child I had big dreams.  I always felt smart and was always told I was wise beyond my years.  I secretly told myself I would one day write a book about my life which I hated at the time.  I loved to read and write.  I spent countless hours doing both.  When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said “a teacher”.  I made some stupid mistakes in my life that I truly regret.  Although I may not be teaching at a school (having made a cheap effort to do so) I have indeed taught many people in my life many things.  Meaningful things and I am grateful for that experience.  I have learned that in teaching and taking time I continue to learn and it’s a beautiful thing!  How did such a bright girl grow up and fail to realize her goals?  Why?  Hmm?  Well I was always shy and very insecure.  Perhaps it was the constant yelling from my mom telling me how skinny and ugly I was.  Perhaps it was all the slaps and pulling of hair I received.  I remember her nails digging into my skin, damn how that burned immediately after.  Nothing I did was ever good enough for her.  She literally would shut off the light if I was reading.  She read everything I wrote and showed it to others.  I stopped writing!  She never said “I love you”.  Well wait! One day as she sat in front of me with her head down drunk out of her mind she said it.  I remember not feeling any emotion except I thought to myself (I would have believed you if you were sober mother).  For many years I blamed my mother for everything that happened to me.  I see now that I was being dramatic.  I fell into this web of lies and manipulation.  Sad thing is according to her—my grandmother abused her too.  I believe the past has damaged me, but I also know that I’ve fought it all the way.  I may not have accomplished the goals I set for myself as a child, but I have managed to be strong through trials and tribulations that have crossed my path. 

Although a day like today my mother and I don’t speak I thank god for my experience for it has made me a beautiful person inside.  I portray a very strong image.  I don’t sit there and blame her anymore but I no longer let her into my life allowing her to hurt me anymore.  Everyday I live my life paying attention that I do not become like her.  Making sure my children don’t experience what I did and it has been a very hard thing to do, but I am grateful that I am breaking the cycle.  I see that how I am in relation with myself directly affects my relationship with others.

Today I am a happier person raising my two boys and in a relationship with a man that is very dear to me.  I may not speak to her anymore but I don’t wish her bad, just don’t want her around to hurt my children anymore.  I come from a very big family seventeen of us to be exact.  I have nine sisters and eight brothers.  Can you imagine over thirty nieces and nephews?  I stopped counting at thirty (LOL).  It’s a blessing, but with great joy comes sadness.  In a family so big you imagine there is a little big of everything and I do mean everything. 

In these blogs I am hopeful I will release tension that has built up throughout the years, and use you guys as outlets to release the madness that has been my life.  Feel free to send feedback and thank you all for your time.  Be Blessed!